Why We’re So Hard on Ourselves (And What We Can Do About It)

Sources: MVSPsychology, The Good Trade, and other compassion-focused psychology research.

After writing my last blog, The Quiet Confidence of “Good Enough and Growing”, I kept circling back to one question:

Why are we all so hard on ourselves?

Like… really, why?

Not in the philosophical “we should be kinder” way, but in the very real: “The most awesome humans I know can totally beat themselves down — even when they’re doing great.”

So, naturally, I went down a little research rabbit hole (as one does). And a few patterns emerged — all surprisingly universal, and also surprisingly… human.

1. We think being hard on ourselves = being responsible

According to articles from MVSPsychology and The Good Trade, many of us have absorbed the idea that self-criticism is a form of discipline.  If we just stay a little on edge, keep the pressure on, we’ll avoid mistakes and stay “on track.”

But research shows the opposite: Self-criticism actually decreases motivation, increases anxiety, and makes it harder to get back up after we inevitably stumble. 

Self-compassion, on the other hand, creates psychological safety — the feeling of:

“I can do this, even if I mess up.” (Which, ironically, makes us more resilient and motivated. Our brains love a bit of kindness.)

2. Our brains are built for threat detection — and we mistakenly treat growth like danger

The MVSPsychology article breaks down how the brain’s negativity bias constantly scans for “what could go wrong.” And to your brain, this includes: creating a new habit, trying something unfamiliar, not meeting your own standards, and worrying someone else might judge you.

So your inner critic shows up not because you’re weak, dramatic, or too sensitive… but because your brain is wired to keep you alive. And bless its heart — it’s not great at distinguishing between 'tiger attack' and 'new yoga teaching idea,' or  'Maybe I want to start showing up on Instagram more.' 

3. Many of us grew up thinking perfection = praise

The Good Trade highlights how childhood patterns shape our adult inner dialogue. Maybe you were the responsible one, the good student, the high achiever, or the easy kid.

When the world learned to celebrate you for being: capable, reliable, the helper, the one who figures things out…it’s no wonder your adult self keeps trying to live up to that identity.

Even when you’re exhausted.

Even when you’re doing enough.

Even when you just want to take a breath and soften — and maybe sit quietly with a blanket for a moment.

4. We compare our real lives to everyone else’s highlight reels

Let me say this in very human terms:

Comparison is a liar. A well-designed, polished, beautifully lit liar.

The Good Trade reminds us that when our brains get daily exposure to curated “success,” our internal standards subtly shift. 

Suddenly, your normal Tuesday feels like failure because someone else’s Tuesday includes green juice, meditation, a PR in their workout, a sparkling clean kitchen, and apparently infinite energy. 

We are absolutely not meant to process that much comparison in a day.

Or in a morning. Or before we’ve even opened both eyes, really.

5. We forget that self-kindness is a skill, not a personality trait

One of my favorite takeaways from both articles:

Self-compassion isn’t something you’re either “good” or “bad” at.

It’s a skill — one that many of us were simply never taught.

We learned how to work hard. We learned how to show up. We learned how to meet expectations.

But who taught us how to speak kindly to ourselves? Who taught us how to pause? How to soothe? How to offer ourselves grace without guilt creeping in?

Exactly.

So… what do we do with all this?

Here’s the part I love. Every one of these articles ends in the same place — a softer one.

They all say:

Awareness comes first.

Compassion comes next.

Change follows slowly and quietly.

Which is exactly what I’m learning for myself — and sharing with you as I go. Not from a pedestal, but from the messy, real-life middle of it.

We don’t have to flip a switch. We don’t have to silence the inner critic. We definitely don’t need to earn our rest or prove we deserve kindness.

We just start noticing: “Oh wow, I’m being really harsh with myself right now.”

We pause.

We breathe.

We offer a gentler sentence, even if it feels awkward or cheesy at first.

We practice choosing a voice that supports rather than shames.

And slowly — something shifts.

The volume of self-criticism lowers.

The sense of “good enough and growing” becomes more real.

We start living with the soft, steady confidence that we’re doing our best

…and that our best is enough.

Photo by Anna Khomutova